Revision, the Sixth?
Ah, CRAP. I've been re-reading over Directions of Destiny the past few days and there are some parts that have been bothering me? So I think I might have to do a bit of revising yet again! x_x But not to the scale that other past revisions have been; I'm thinking about just changing a few pages here and there.
For one thing, page 11 and 12 of Section 1.1... meh! Yes, let's go directly from one long-winded speech to the other? I wanted to put some sort of break inbetween them originally, involving some of the students talking and leaving the auditorium, but at the time the prospect of drawing another crowd-filled panel was a bit unnerving. Also, Douglas' speech was added in at last minute; when I wrote the script, I just put in, like, "blah blah blah" for where Douglas' speech was supposed to go, and for a while I was thinking of just having him mouth words but not actually say anything, just to show, yes, he's making a speech, but it's pretty unimportant. But then as I was finishing that page up, it just seemed too, eh, silent? But like I said, that winded up with two monologues next to each other, and one thing that tends to turn me away from reading a comic is if it loads me with a bunch of WORDS right from the get-go?? So yeah. Break those two monologues up a little, and methinks, significantly shorten Luka's? We can learn more about the Student Council la~ter~ (how much later? I'll get into that!).
Also, the introduction of the Student Council members was a bit incohesive too, and as I'm working further into the script, it just seems like the little blurbs about them are really unnecessary to include in the actual contents of the comic--seems like it would fit better as something to put inbetween chapters as an extra of sorts. Or if anything, I'm finding so many other opportunities in the script where the character introductions would have been better placed than where it is now. So, eh, that's probably going to be downsized.
Then there's page 17, where Zephan's all "I wish I was prez, ooh!Grades!" I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle Zephan's competitive nature this time around, other than making it way less in-your-face a la KareKano (like how the original was--ugh!). But as I was working on the pages, I ended up putting a few thoughtbubbles from him anyway where he shows his self-centered-ness, and now that I look back on it, they all seem pretty random! So I'm thinking about getting rid of all thoughtbubbles from him for now, and hardly reveal anything about his competitiveness, instead saving it for a later portion where he really lets it all out? So basically, it'll go like, "Lah dee dah hey I'm Zephan, you don't know much about me at the moment, but I'm a pretty good student, and a nice guy, except heywhat? There's something about me that strikes you as a little, hmm, selfish? Oh, but you're not sure yet since I haven't actually shown you my INNER THOUGHTS, but doot dee doo now I WILL because, HA! I FREAKING LOVE MYSELF."
You know?
Actually, on page 8, I already secretly made a change...originally, in that bottom-left panel, he said something like "PFFT! I was hoping to suck up to him a bit," which I've replaced with just "Hmm!" This was how it originally was anyway, but I think I changed it because I wanted it to seem less serious or something, but instead it ended up not being particularly funny, and also quite a bit out-of-place!
The posted grades will probably also have to take a hike for now. I believe I only included it as a throwback to the past versions of the story, kind of like saying to readers, "Ha ha! Look! It's still here, yo!" (I know, I'm lame!) So uh. Save THAT one for later too.
Other parts of Section 1.1 I'm okay with, I think. I might want to do some cosmetic makeovers on some parts, but besides what I listed above, there shouldn't be any further script changes?
Now, Section 1.2... eh! I'm kind of worried about the cohesiveness of the pages, seeing as practically all of them for this section were made a week apart from each other, and because I'm a dumbass who doesn't plan anything out, the panel layouts for the pages are also done a week apart each 9_9. I wrote the whole script for this section out first at least, but as I work on the pages themselves, I think to myself, "Oh! This could be a good idea to include here." Oh wait, too bad said good idea doesn't flow with the rest of my GOOD IDEAS for the other pages. Dang!
Oh! Intermission: speaking of the one-page updates of Section 1.2, I think the weekly breaks have a highly adverse effect on the readers' intake of the script? Like when I make my pitiful attempts at including humour into the story, oftentimes I have it laid out so that the so-called punchline is at the top of the NEXT page. For example, on page 11, some readers mistook Chrystelle's little bits of thought on the bottom as showing the competitive side of HER personality, and some have went on to think that she stole some of it from the Zephan in the past versions, EXCEPT Chrystelle really DOESN'T have one bit of competitive spirit in her, and she was mostly thinking what she thought to build on LIBELLE'S intimidating character, and as the build-up to the punchline on the FOLLOWING page! 'Cos, you know, Chrystelle was all, "Ooh! Scary Libelle! How's she gonna confront the fight??" By NOT CONFRONTING AT ALL! Ho ho! Funny?
DAMN IT. I hate explaining jokes!
Oh, right, well, even though I went on that splurge about the cohesiveness of Section 1.2 pages, I don't ACTUALLY have any major gripes about them being incohesive after reading through it a few times, BUT that doesn't mean I don't have problems with Section 1.2 at ALL. Really, I'm just kinda EH about the second page. It was kind of build-up material for the pictures of the Student Council members on the next page, but also I guess I wanted to talk more about the nature of the Student Council within the institute...except I can't help but think as I read Ryan's blurb over, "Where did that COME from???" I mean, here we are at the beginning of the second chapter with NO interaction between the the Student Council members and the REGULAR students, and Ryan just felt compelled to say something about it? Well, basically, I want to insert two pages before Ryan does her thing of just, I guess, Zephan and Ryan walking around campus with the rest of the students being all, "Wow, Student Council Members. *FAWN~*" And HERE would probably be a better place to elaborate on Student Council functions within the institute (versus Luka's thing, mentioned way the heck earlier in this increasingly ginormus post), where it wouldn't be just one person blabbing on about it, and there would be enough room to spread out the blabbering so that comic readers like me wouldn't be totally overwhelmed with ARGH TEXTTEXTTEXT.
So that's what I've been thinking about doing. But I think I need to be quick about this, 'cos I want to have printed copies of a Section 1.1+1.2 book to sell by Anime Expo, and with Japan trip taking place the last two weeks of June, I'd have to have the pages done by, hmm, MAY?? and then contact the printer PRONTO so that they could get it to me before I leave for Japan, since I really won't have much time for it after.
AUGH, busybusybusy!
(While I'm at it, leave a few comments about what you think of the above mentioned nitpicks I had, or if you have any nitpicks of your own?)
For one thing, page 11 and 12 of Section 1.1... meh! Yes, let's go directly from one long-winded speech to the other? I wanted to put some sort of break inbetween them originally, involving some of the students talking and leaving the auditorium, but at the time the prospect of drawing another crowd-filled panel was a bit unnerving. Also, Douglas' speech was added in at last minute; when I wrote the script, I just put in, like, "blah blah blah" for where Douglas' speech was supposed to go, and for a while I was thinking of just having him mouth words but not actually say anything, just to show, yes, he's making a speech, but it's pretty unimportant. But then as I was finishing that page up, it just seemed too, eh, silent? But like I said, that winded up with two monologues next to each other, and one thing that tends to turn me away from reading a comic is if it loads me with a bunch of WORDS right from the get-go?? So yeah. Break those two monologues up a little, and methinks, significantly shorten Luka's? We can learn more about the Student Council la~ter~ (how much later? I'll get into that!).
Also, the introduction of the Student Council members was a bit incohesive too, and as I'm working further into the script, it just seems like the little blurbs about them are really unnecessary to include in the actual contents of the comic--seems like it would fit better as something to put inbetween chapters as an extra of sorts. Or if anything, I'm finding so many other opportunities in the script where the character introductions would have been better placed than where it is now. So, eh, that's probably going to be downsized.
Then there's page 17, where Zephan's all "I wish I was prez, ooh!Grades!" I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle Zephan's competitive nature this time around, other than making it way less in-your-face a la KareKano (like how the original was--ugh!). But as I was working on the pages, I ended up putting a few thoughtbubbles from him anyway where he shows his self-centered-ness, and now that I look back on it, they all seem pretty random! So I'm thinking about getting rid of all thoughtbubbles from him for now, and hardly reveal anything about his competitiveness, instead saving it for a later portion where he really lets it all out? So basically, it'll go like, "Lah dee dah hey I'm Zephan, you don't know much about me at the moment, but I'm a pretty good student, and a nice guy, except heywhat? There's something about me that strikes you as a little, hmm, selfish? Oh, but you're not sure yet since I haven't actually shown you my INNER THOUGHTS, but doot dee doo now I WILL because, HA! I FREAKING LOVE MYSELF."
You know?
Actually, on page 8, I already secretly made a change...originally, in that bottom-left panel, he said something like "PFFT! I was hoping to suck up to him a bit," which I've replaced with just "Hmm!" This was how it originally was anyway, but I think I changed it because I wanted it to seem less serious or something, but instead it ended up not being particularly funny, and also quite a bit out-of-place!
The posted grades will probably also have to take a hike for now. I believe I only included it as a throwback to the past versions of the story, kind of like saying to readers, "Ha ha! Look! It's still here, yo!" (I know, I'm lame!) So uh. Save THAT one for later too.
Other parts of Section 1.1 I'm okay with, I think. I might want to do some cosmetic makeovers on some parts, but besides what I listed above, there shouldn't be any further script changes?
Now, Section 1.2... eh! I'm kind of worried about the cohesiveness of the pages, seeing as practically all of them for this section were made a week apart from each other, and because I'm a dumbass who doesn't plan anything out, the panel layouts for the pages are also done a week apart each 9_9. I wrote the whole script for this section out first at least, but as I work on the pages themselves, I think to myself, "Oh! This could be a good idea to include here." Oh wait, too bad said good idea doesn't flow with the rest of my GOOD IDEAS for the other pages. Dang!
Oh! Intermission: speaking of the one-page updates of Section 1.2, I think the weekly breaks have a highly adverse effect on the readers' intake of the script? Like when I make my pitiful attempts at including humour into the story, oftentimes I have it laid out so that the so-called punchline is at the top of the NEXT page. For example, on page 11, some readers mistook Chrystelle's little bits of thought on the bottom as showing the competitive side of HER personality, and some have went on to think that she stole some of it from the Zephan in the past versions, EXCEPT Chrystelle really DOESN'T have one bit of competitive spirit in her, and she was mostly thinking what she thought to build on LIBELLE'S intimidating character, and as the build-up to the punchline on the FOLLOWING page! 'Cos, you know, Chrystelle was all, "Ooh! Scary Libelle! How's she gonna confront the fight??" By NOT CONFRONTING AT ALL! Ho ho! Funny?
DAMN IT. I hate explaining jokes!
Oh, right, well, even though I went on that splurge about the cohesiveness of Section 1.2 pages, I don't ACTUALLY have any major gripes about them being incohesive after reading through it a few times, BUT that doesn't mean I don't have problems with Section 1.2 at ALL. Really, I'm just kinda EH about the second page. It was kind of build-up material for the pictures of the Student Council members on the next page, but also I guess I wanted to talk more about the nature of the Student Council within the institute...except I can't help but think as I read Ryan's blurb over, "Where did that COME from???" I mean, here we are at the beginning of the second chapter with NO interaction between the the Student Council members and the REGULAR students, and Ryan just felt compelled to say something about it? Well, basically, I want to insert two pages before Ryan does her thing of just, I guess, Zephan and Ryan walking around campus with the rest of the students being all, "Wow, Student Council Members. *FAWN~*" And HERE would probably be a better place to elaborate on Student Council functions within the institute (versus Luka's thing, mentioned way the heck earlier in this increasingly ginormus post), where it wouldn't be just one person blabbing on about it, and there would be enough room to spread out the blabbering so that comic readers like me wouldn't be totally overwhelmed with ARGH TEXTTEXTTEXT.
So that's what I've been thinking about doing. But I think I need to be quick about this, 'cos I want to have printed copies of a Section 1.1+1.2 book to sell by Anime Expo, and with Japan trip taking place the last two weeks of June, I'd have to have the pages done by, hmm, MAY?? and then contact the printer PRONTO so that they could get it to me before I leave for Japan, since I really won't have much time for it after.
AUGH, busybusybusy!
(While I'm at it, leave a few comments about what you think of the above mentioned nitpicks I had, or if you have any nitpicks of your own?)
but another thing to think about, you havent really gotten deep into the story without totally revising the first part whcih changes the whole story.
its a known fact that the beginning should be unsettling to the artist/author, but its the end thats going to count.
continue into the story, try not to change things that would warp it, and dont stress so much over nitty things or you'll go bald XD lol ^^; *total dork*
~CIndy
Also, you should change the broomed tiger to a cute tiger falling over sideways with a XO face!
That's all I've got to say.
And uh, I like Zephan and his thought-bubbles.
That's all I have to say for the moment!
Many of the minor gripes you had were actually things I was thinking about myself, especially the note you made about the student council intro page being way too cluttered. All your other points were very well stated too. I like Zephan's competitive nature being far less apparent, though I'm not all too sure about it suddenly springing up on us out of nowhere. You might want to try hinting at it slightly along the way. I think you're already doing a decent job of that. :)
This is not slacking. This is loving a piece of work a lot and wanting to make it perfect. Writers worth their salt go through draft after draft after draft before they are satisfied with the results; there's no reason webcomics are somehow not allowed to do this. (BTW, I thought your 2nd draft was far superior to your first in terms of paneling, flow, and storytelling. Just wanted to say that your revisions are definitely appreciated.)
Your art is gorgeous, your story seems really interesting, and I look forward to more. :) Again, good luck!